mentoring

Three Relationships Every Christian Needs

When Jesus began His ministry, He did not rent a coliseum for an evangelistic campaign, start a mailing list, or put billboards all over Jerusalem announcing His healing ministry. No, the first thing He did was assemble a group of close followers.

He called them His friends.

Mark 3:14 says Jesus appointed the Twelve “so that they would be with Him and that He could send them out to preach.” Notice that His relationship with them was not just about the work of ministry. He was not just calling followers to perform a task. He was not a foreman employing hired hands. He wanted their fellowship first—and then he would let them preach out of what they learned from Him.

Jesus is all about relationships. And He specifically told His disciples that He didn’t want this relationship to be performance based. He said: “No longer do I call you slaves … but I have called you friends, for all things I have heard from My Father I have made known to you” (John 15:15).

In many parts of the church we’ve forgotten about the essential need for fellowship and tried to build the church without it. We developed a sterile church model that is event-driven and celebrity-focused rather than genuinely relational.

We build theater-style buildings where crowds listen to one guy talk. The crowds are quickly whisked out of the sanctuary to make room for the next group. Many of these people never process with anyone else what they learned, never join a small group and never receive any form of one-on-one discipleship.

Because we lack relationships today, we have tried to fill the void with technology. We think if we can create a wow factor with cool video clips, 3-D sermons and edgy worship bands, the crowds will scream for more. I don’t think so. Trendy can quickly become shallow.

I’ve had enough of this sterile religion. I’ve learned that ministry is not about getting big crowds, filling seats, tabulating response cards or eliciting raucous applause. It’s not about running on the church-growth treadmill. Religion that focuses on externals cannot produce life. If our faith does not flow out of relationship with God, and result in deep relationships with others, then it is a poor imitation of New Testament Christianity.

Do you need to go deeper in your relationships? I tell Christians all over the world that they need three kinds of relationships in their lives, apart from family relationships:

  1. “Pauls” are spiritual fathers and mothers you trust. All of us need older, wiser Christians who can guide us, pray for us and offer counsel. My mentors have encouraged me when I wanted to quit, and propelled me forward when I lost sight of God’s promises. In the journey of faith, you do not have to feel your way in the dark. God gave Ruth a Naomi, Joshua a Moses and Esther a Mordecai. You can ask the Lord for a mentor to help guide and coach you.
  2. “Barnabases” are spiritual peers who are close, bosom friends. They know everything about you, yet they love you anyway. They are also willing to correct you, bluntly if necessary! They provide accountability in areas of personal temptation. They offer a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. And they will stay up all night praying for you when you face a crisis.

Everybody should know the benefit of Proverbs 18:24: “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” But you cannot find faithful friends without seeking to be one first. Don’t wait for your Barnabas to come to you—go and find him.

  1. “Timothys” are the younger Christians you are helping to grow. Jesus never told us to assemble crowds, but He did command us to make disciples. Relational discipleship takes a lot of time and energy, but investing your life in others is one of the most fulfilling experiences in life. Once you have poured your life into another brother or sister and watched them mature in Christ, you will never settle for superficial religion again.

Like Paul, we must go out and find our Timothys. We must invest in them personally. It’s not about preaching to them; they want a relationship with us that is genuine. They want spiritual moms and dads who are approachable, accepting, affirming and empowering. If we don’t mentor them now, there won’t be anyone running alongside us when it’s time to pass our baton.

The Christian life is a vibrant, love relationship with God—but it doesn’t end there. I pray you will open your heart and invest in the people around you.

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The Unexpected Blessings of Reverse Mentoring

These days, I spend lots of my time mentoring young leaders. I take them on ministry trips, speak in training schools and lead discipleship retreats. But I’m learning that mentorship does not work in just one direction. Even though I’m the “old guy,” I benefit in amazing ways from the time I spend with younger Christians.

*** My friend Daniel is an associate pastor in North Carolina, a gifted preacher and a fitness buff. When I recently decided to get serious about exercise, he set me up with an easy-to-follow weight-training and cardio schedule as well as common sense advice on diet. Did you notice that the younger generation today tends to be avidly health-conscious? We could actually live longer if we took their advice.

*** My buddy Alex is on fire for God. He is also a budding entrepreneur in Philadelphia who knows as much about Mac computers as any salesman in an Apple store. Alex taught me most of what I know about modern technology, and every time I have a question he’s eager to help. Hint: Churches could upgrade their effectiveness by inviting tech-savvy 20-somethings to staff meetings.

*** I have a spiritual son named Paul who is originally from Ukraine. He has traveled with me on 10 ministry trips, and he’s like a sponge when it comes to soaking up any spiritual insight he can get from me. But our relationship is not just a one-way street. We have learned the importance of “processing” after ministry events, and he’s been an excellent sounding board. Today’s young leaders don’t want to just carry out your orders; they want the freedom to give feedback.

*** My four daughters, who are all in their 20s, don’t always agree with me about every social issue. But I’ve learned a lot from them about cultural sensitivity. They are painfully aware that the American church has turned off many people by being religious, racist, political or mean-spirited—and they aren’t afraid to sound off when they think I’m being unnecessarily offensive. Their critiques have made me a better listener and, hopefully, a better communicator.

In the church, we often think of mentoring as a top-down arrangement. We think discipleship is basically saying: “Listen to me, watch me and do what I do.” To make matters worse, some leaders who are bossy, self-absorbed or heavy-handed end up hurting those they mentor. Or they view mentoring as way to get cheap labor—by forcing their mentees to serve as “armor bearers,” bodyguards, butlers or glorified valets.

We should scrap that horribly flawed model and recognize that Jesus calls mentors to serve. If we take a humbler approach to mentorship, we might actually learn something from younger people while we model Christ-like character and teach valuable skills.

The apostle Paul learned this lesson. Early in his ministry he and his colleague Barnabas parted ways because Paul didn’t want to travel with John Mark (see Acts 15:36-39). Paul was upset that Mark had abandoned his missionary team. So he wrote Mark off.

Thankfully, this strategic relationship was restored. Many missionary journeys later, Paul wrote to Timothy: “Pick up Mark and bring him with you, for he is useful to me for service” (2 Tim. 4:11). “Useful” was putting it mildly! Mark was quite useful because he wrote the gospel of Mark, which he based on Peter’s oral testimony.

I believe Paul had a paradigm shift about discipleship as he matured. In his early years he didn’t have any use for Mark, and didn’t want to waste his time training a young man who had dropped the ball. Later, Paul realized that Mark had spiritual gifts that the church needed. And Paul describes Mark as his “fellow worker” in Philemon 24.

Many young Christians today are like Mark. They have a message burning in their hearts and they sense a spiritual calling. But they lack training and may struggle with being consistent. They also may need healing ministry to overcome internal struggles.

In Mark’s case, thankfully, Barnabas took him under his wing and nurtured him back to health. As a result of that mentoring—and Peter’s fatherly influence (see 1 Pet. 5:13)—Mark became a spiritual giant.

The same will happen today when we invest in the Marks of our generation. The greatest blessing will come when we stop looking at them simply as cogs in our Sunday morning agendas and instead recognize that the Holy Spirit is working powerfully in them—and giving them creative ideas about how to do ministry in a more relevant and effective way.

More than 150 years ago, British preacher Charles Spurgeon wrote: “The church needs young blood in its veins. Our strength for holding the faith may lie in experienced saints but our zeal for propagating it must be found in the young.” That means we can’t allow generation gaps in ministry; the young and old must work together to reach the world for Jesus.

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The Power of Relational Discipleship

For at least three years I’ve wanted to gather a group of friends for a time of encouragement and personal ministry. I couldn’t afford to host a fancy event, and I didn’t think these guys wanted a big hoopla with expensive hotels and high-priced speakers.

So we went with a simple format that involved a donated church facility (thank you, Pastor Donna), a totally informal dress code (jeans and T-shirts), home-cooked meals (we met in North Carolina, the barbeque capital of the South) and cheap rooms, courtesy of the local Hampton Inn. What surprised me was that 91 guys from 20 states and four foreign countries showed up for three days of worship, small group interaction and inspiring messages from 32 of the guys (everyone kept their comments brief to allow time for fellowship).

What happened in that small window of time amazed me. Weary pastors met new friends. Younger guys bonded with new mentors. Men opened their hearts about their deepest struggles. And best of all, God showed up and spoke to many of the guys about their insecurities and fears.

On the second day a panel of six young men shared about their need for godly role models. Some admitted that they have dysfunctional relationships with their dads. Others pointed out that even in the church they have not been encouraged to connect with spiritual fathers.

One man, Charles, said that in his church, young men were never allowed to develop real friendships with pastors or leaders. They were expected to be “armor bearers” who acted like personal valets—by shining the pastor’s shoes, carrying his water and escorting him to the pulpit.

The young men who came to our Bold Venture discipleship weekend were crying out for authentic relationships. They are not going to receive the mentoring or the spiritual nurture they need by carrying someone’s Bible or suitcase. True discipleship only happens in a loving, relational context.

This was the apostle Paul’s method of discipleship. While he did speak in church meetings, ministry was not focused on events, sermons or a flashy delivery style. And it was certainly not about high-pressure offerings, pulpit mannerisms or how many people swooned at the altar.

Listen to Paul’s definition of ministry from 1 Thessalonians 2:8: “Having so fond an affection for you, we were well-pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become very dear to us” (NASB).

Paul knew that ministry was about loving people and investing in them. He did not live for TV cameras, fawning crowds, armor bearers or book deals. (In fact he wrote a lot of the New Testament and didn’t get any royalties!) The reason he could endure beatings, shipwrecks, betrayal, riots, hunger and imprisonment is that he loved the men and women on his ministry team. Everything he did was about pouring the life of Jesus into people like Timothy, Silvanus, Mark, Phoebe, Epaphras, Luke, Priscilla, Barnabas, Euodia and all the other New Testament heroes who called Paul a spiritual father.

I wonder how Paul would react today if he were alive to see the trappings of “ministry” we have created. I imagine he would rend his garments and call us all back to raw humility.

One of the international guests at our Bold Venture weekend was a pastor named Robert from Uganda. He wrote me today, just after arriving back in Kampala, to share with me his plan for discipling men in his country. Robert wrote:

“Thank you for introducing me to 91 men of valor, men whose life stories have inspired me to do business with and for God in totally a different way! I have a new boldness to deposit my life in as many people as I can.

“I have already contacted all the guys I have been helping. Next week I will meet about 24 of them just to deposit some of what I experienced. After that I have a group of another 70 fellows that I am going to mentor intentionally. In total I am looking at 100 young ministers I will disciple. We are going to do life together, laugh, cry, be vulnerable and open with each other. This is not an African thing, but I know it is the way to go.”

Discipleship is a simple concept—maybe too simple for some of us who have become addicted to applause, prayer lines and the bells and whistles of American religion. But if you listen carefully, amid the noise of the crowd, you will hear the Holy Spirit calling us back to New Testament basics.

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Six Mentors Who Can Help You Grow Spiritually

God doesn’t want us to live in isolation. I realized many years ago that I desperately need people in my life in order to fulfill my purpose. My parents invested in me, and so did teachers, coaches, employers, pastors, role models and good friends. I am not self-made, and neither are you. Any success we have achieved is the result of someone taking time to instruct, encourage or correct us. That’s humbling!

Mentorship is a basic biblical principle. The book of Proverbs opens with an exhortation to listen not only to parents but also to the “words of the wise” (Prov. 1:6, NASB). Moses mentored Joshua, Naomi mentored Ruth, and Elijah mentored Elisha. Jesus spent most of His time teaching a small group of disciples. One of those, Peter, discipled his spiritual son, Mark (1 Pet. 5:13), who in turn wrote the Gospel of Mark based on Peter’s testimony.

The message of Christ is best transmitted through the process of mentoring. But this art has been lost in today’s church—partly because of family breakdown and partly because our celebrity-obsessed culture values self-effort and instant results. Mentoring is too slow for most of us because we prefer the overnight sensation. God’s kingdom is built through a tedious process we don’t have the patience for.

Yet I believe we can reclaim biblical discipleship. In fact, I’m convinced the church is shifting radically back to God’s original plan as we reject the program-driven, impersonal, televangelistic one-man show of the past season. Everywhere I go I find people who are hungry for authentic relationships that can help them become team players and mature mentors.

I’ve found six types of mentors who have helped me in my spiritual journey:
  1. Distant mentors. British author Charles Spurgeon died in 1892, but I consider him a mentor because I read his books often. The same is true of other dead authors such as Andrew Murray and A.W. Tozer. You don’t have to know a person to receive instruction from them. I’ve never met author Henry Blackaby, but his books, especially Experiencing God, have profoundly influenced me.
  2. Occasional mentors. Brother Andrew, the founder of the Open Doors ministry, became a hero to me after I read his book God’s Smuggler in the 1970s. Then in 2004, I had the privilege of interviewing him in his home in Holland. Some of the things he said to me that day still ring in my ears. I may never visit him again, but he made an eternal investment in my life.
  3. Supportive friends. A mentor does not have to be 20 years older than you. I have a close group of peers who sometimes gather from four states just to pray for each other. We call this group “the band of brothers.” I am constantly on the phone with a few of them. We share prayer requests and offer advice—and we aren’t afraid to step on each others’ toes if necessary. You need friends like that to survive life’s challenges.
  4. Negative mentors. Not everyone you meet is a good example. I have sometimes encountered people in positions of leadership who had serious flaws. Some had prideful attitudes; others had poor people skills; a few had selfish agendas. Rather than allowing myself to become bitter or judgmental, I studied their behavior and determined to avoid doing the same things. I said to myself, “Let this be a lesson. That is not how to lead.”
  5. Reverse mentors. You can also learn from younger people. I invest in a lot of Timothys, and they love to ask me for counsel. But I sometimes flip roles and pick their brains. One of the guys I’m mentoring, Alex, is a tech geek—so I know he will have the answer when I have a question about my computer, my smartphone or the latest app. I also get regular feedback from the guys I’m mentoring because I want to know if I’m communicating in a way that is relevant to their generation. Sometimes the best way to mentor is to ask questions!
  6. Spiritual fathers and mothers. God has used many different mentors in my life, but there are some who invested in me in a very personal way for a long span of time. One of them, Barry St. Clair, invited me to a discipleship group when I was only 15. He taught me the basics of the Christian life during those Bible studies in his basement, and we have stayed connected for 40 years. This month the two of us are doing a conference together in Atlanta! Barry has been a role model, counselor and spiritual father most of my life, and his investment in me has now been passed on to dozens of others.

If you don’t have mentors, I urge you to find them. If you are fortunate to have been mentored, then pay forward what you have received—and invest in someone else.

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Say Goodbye to the ‘Armor Bearer’ Mentality

My friend Charles wanted a mentor. He was eager to learn the ropes of ministry, so he asked an older pastor for training. The pastor agreed—but Charles soon realized the man wanted a valet, not an apprentice. Charles became the man’s “armor bearer.”

The man never took Charles on hospital visits, involved him in ministry assignments or prayed with him. Instead, Charles was expected to carry the pastor’s briefcase, fetch coffee and take suits to the cleaners—with no salary offered. In this case, “armor bearer” was a spiritualized term for “slave.”

This bizarre trend became popular in churches 20 years ago, but it still thrives. It appeals to insecure leaders who need an entourage to make them feel important. Some pastors have even assigned trainees to serve as bodyguards—complete with dark glasses and concealed weapons. These young men are instructed to keep people away from the pastor so he doesn’t have to talk to anyone after a church service (because, after all, the poor preacher might be “drained of his anointing” if he fraternizes with common folks).

Excuse me while I barf!

I’m not sure what is more nauseating: That some pastors think they are discipling young leaders by exploiting them, or that church members tolerate such pompous behavior from a so-called man of God. And we wonder why many young people have stopped going to church?

When I turned 50, I decided to spend most of my energy investing in the next generation. This became my passionate priority because I met so many gifted men and women in their 20s and 30s who craved mentors. Many of them, like Charles, were looking for authentic role models but could only find self-absorbed narcissists who were building their own kingdoms.

If you want to make a genuine impact on the next generation, please make sure you are not infected with the armor bearer virus. Take these steps to adjust your attitude:

  1. Get over yourself. As soon as Jesus began his earthly ministry the devil tried to strike a deal with Him. Satan offered the celebrity spotlight by showing Jesus the world’s glory and saying, “All these things I will give You, if You fall down and worship me” (Matt. 4:9). But Jesus didn’t buy it. He chose the path of servanthood even though He knew it would lead to the cross.

Today’s insecure leaders don’t realize it’s the devil tempting them to become rock-star preachers. Fame is too alluring. Before they realize it, their heads have swelled and ministry becomes a means to prove their imagined greatness. A leader with an inflated ego will have zero interest in investing in others. You must tell yourself daily: “It’s not about me!”

  1. Stay accessible. Earlier this year I led a retreat for young Ugandans who are training for ministry. We prayed together, shared meals and swam at a local pool in the afternoons. When we finished three days of teaching sessions I asked them what they enjoyed the most about the retreat. One guy summarized everyone’s sentiment: “We loved that you were with us.”

Young people today don’t just want our sermons. They want to sit down for coffee after the sermon. They want to ask questions. They can listen to a hundred preachers on You Tube, but when you invite them to dinner, offer to pray with them or take them on a mission trip, you mark them forever.

  1. Keep it real. Older Christian leaders have picked up some bad habits that turn off young people. Some ministers preach with affected voices, wear weird hairstyles and insist on dressing like funeral parlor directors—even on their days off. Please talk in a normal voice when you preach so young people won’t dismiss you as a fake. Be transparent, admit your faults and let everyone know you’ve had struggles. Young people don’t want to follow someone who pretends to be perfect. 
  2. Pour on the encouragement. Many young people today struggle to stay disciplined. Some have addictions. And many of them have attitudes! But you will never reach them if all you do is point out their faults. You have to win their hearts before you address problems. If you saturate them with the love of a caring father or mother, their spiritual growth will amaze you. 
  3. Don’t cling to power. Jesus was the Son of God, yet He willingly handed His authority over to His disciples and told them to finish the job. Likewise, Paul invested his life in Timothy, Titus, Silvanus, Phoebe and others—and he expected them to go farther than He did. Every good leader is already thinking of his succession plan. If you have a tendency to control, dominate or manipulate people, you must wrestle with God until your pride is crushed.

Young leaders today don’t want to be your butler or your valet. And they won’t follow people who strut and swagger. They are looking for mentors who walk with the limp of humility.

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Reclaiming the Forgotten Timothy Principle

Last week I went to the nation of Colombia to preach in a conference sponsored by two churches in the city of Barranquilla. I could have gone alone, but I asked Jason, a young pastor from South Carolina, to accompany me on the seven-day trip.

When we boarded our first flight to Panama I said to Jason: “You are going to grow two feet during this adventure.” He told me yesterday when we were preparing to come home: “I think I grew two-and-a-half feet.”

Nothing thrills me more than challenging young leaders by taking them on the mission field. I’ve done this in Nigeria, Ukraine, India, Peru, Bolivia, South Africa and other places. It’s not always convenient to share a bathroom or double the travel costs, but the reward comes when I see how much the experience stretches their faith and accelerates their spiritual growth.

It’s what many call the Timothy Principle, and it’s found in Paul’s words to his spiritual son in 2 Timothy 2:2: “The things which you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses, entrust these to faithful men who will be able to teach others also.”

Paul discovered long ago that the most effective way to expand the reach of the gospel was to invest deliberately and personally in younger disciples. Although he preached to crowds, he always traveled with a small team. He wasn’t a one-man show. He shared his life with people such as Timothy, Silas, Phoebe, Lydia, Luke, Priscilla and Aquilla—and they became spiritual giants. We would be wise to reclaim this forgotten art of personal discipleship.

Here are four guidelines I’ve developed for effectively training the next generation:

Get on the same level. One young leader I have been mentoring for a few years, Charles, once told a pastor that he wanted to be trained in ministry. The pastor explained this training process would require Charles to carry the pastor’s Bible, pick up his dry-cleaning and serve as a chauffeur. The pastor didn’t offer to pray with Charles, take him on a trip or share how to hear the voice of God or lead a sinner to salvation.

Some pastors even groom young leaders to be “armor bearers” who are nothing more than unpaid valets. I’ve seen some big-city bishops with celebrity entourages—including a guy to carry the preacher’s Bible, another to carry his water bottle, another to carry his handkerchief and a fourth to fan him when he’s sweating.

This type of leader is infected with a virus known as egotisticus giganticus. He may call himself a “spiritual father” to these men, but they really don’t have access to his life. They might as well be his slaves. This is not biblical discipleship. Any real spiritual father (or mother) will invite his disciples to get on his level and learn both the practical and spiritual sides of ministry.

Be a genuine friend. Young leaders today don’t just want to listen to a pastor’s sermons or wait outside an office door until he asks them to bring him a cup of coffee. They crave real relationships with humble, accessible men and women of God who can model authentic Christianity. That requires plenty of one-on-one communication. You must invite younger leaders into your life and let them get up close and personal.

Some charismatic churches today have developed a weird lingo that prevents genuine discipleship from happening. While I certainly believe in the role of apostles and spiritual mentors, I don’t think we have to throw these titles around. Don’t strain the relationship by insisting on a title. Just be yourself, and the anointing on your life will do the rest.

Offer plenty of ministry opportunities. Before I arrived in Colombia last week, I let my hosts know that Jason was available to speak in churches and youth meetings. Even though they had invited me to speak at a conference, I wanted Jason to be stretched in his faith. He ended up leading several powerful meetings with youth in the city. Then, on the last night, when I was addressing a group of leaders from two churches, I called Jason to come to the platform with me so he could pray and prophesy over people.

We won’t effectively raise up younger leaders if we only allow them to carry our briefcases or work at our book tables. They have to do the real stuff! I was so proud of Jason when he called several people to the front of the church and offered anointed prophetic encouragement. The Colombians loved him, and the youth who had been in his meetings lined up to hug him when we left. In the end, Jason realized that he was a ministry partner with me, not just a trainee.

Impart your life. Young leaders today need to become effective communicators, and they must learn how to flow in the Holy Spirit’s power. But we can’t just give them a dry, mechanical education. We have to follow the apostle Paul’s model. He told the Thessalonians: “Having so fond an affection for you, we were well-pleased to impart to you not only the gospel of God but also our own lives, because you had become very dear to us” (1 Thess. 2:8).

Discipleship requires sacrifice and genuine love. And it focuses on individuals. As much as I enjoy speaking to crowds, I have learned that often the most effective ministry in the kingdom of God is to the one, not the multitude. Please don’t ignore the Timothys you are called to encourage.

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Listen to the Cry of Today’s Generation

I love all four Gospels, but Mark is my favorite. I describe it as the Gospel for teenagers—or for anyone with a short attention span. It is the shortest account of Jesus’ ministry, and the most fast-paced. It is focused on Jesus’ actions, not His sermons, and the word immediately appears in it 47 times. If a movie were based on Mark it would be a noisy action flick, complete with screaming demons, instantaneous healings and rioting crowds.

But what I love most about Mark is the back story of its author—who is sometimes referred to as John Mark. He is young when we first see him in Scripture. He was related to Barnabas and closely associated with Peter. (Scholars believe Mark’s Gospel is based on what Peter dictated to him). Yet Mark created an embarrassing dilemma for the apostle Paul. We are told that Paul separated from Barnabas in Antioch because Mark deserted the team (see Acts 15:37-40).

We can speculate about what caused this conflict. We don’t really know why Mark went AWOL. Did he fear persecution? Did he wimp out because he missed his mother’s cooking back in Jerusalem? Or did he go through a period of rebellion? Perhaps. But in the end, the prodigal came home. The epistle of Philemon says Mark began traveling with Paul again (v. 23).

Paul eventually told Timothy: “Pick up Mark and bring him with you, for he is useful to me for service” (2 Tim. 4:11b, NASB, emphasis added). “Useful” is putting it mildly! This young guy who experienced failure early in life later wrote a key portion of the Bible!

The lesson is clear: Don’t give up on young people. They are totally worth the investment, even if they encounter ups and downs and zigzags on the journey we call discipleship. Those of us who are in the “older” category must recognize how useful these young Marks are in the plan of God.

I am blessed to have many young Marks in my life these days. They go with me on some of my ministry trips—not to carry my suitcase or to sell my books but to see what it’s like on the front lines. The personal time I spend with them is just as important as any sermon I preach to a crowd. I have come to realize that when I invest in a young Christian, his or her life is marked forever.

Recently a young ministry leader came to me for some counsel. He was frustrated because older people haven’t seemed interested in building a relationship with him or in giving him opportunities to grow spiritually. I asked him for some honest feedback about how leaders relate to the younger generation. I felt his answers needed to be heard by a wider audience. Our conversation went like this:

What do you want most in a mentor?

More than anything I want someone who will listen to me. Whether I’m right or wrong about something, a mentor should take time to listen. I’d love someone to ask me questions about what’s in my heart.

How do you want to be treated by a mentor?

I want to be treated like a son. I know how deeply I love my sons and how I constantly pour love, confidence, wisdom and strength into them. When I correct them, it’s gentle and helpful—even when I discipline them. I want the kind of close, relational Christianity I see in the New Testament. But I don’t want to be treated like a child. I do know some stuff!

What character qualities do you look for in a mentor?

First of all, I want someone who is real. Please relax and stop acting like a preacher. Let’s laugh a lot. Let’s hang out and have fun. Let’s enjoy each other. I also want someone who is eager to teach me! I want to know what it’s like for you when you sense the power of God when you pray for people. How do you prepare your messages? Keep me by your side when you’re operating in one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. Tell me what’s happening along the way. Then let me minister with you.

Also, please share your power just like Jesus did. Don’t show hostility to other ministers. Realize that your “camp” does not have God in a box, and that there are a lot of things you can learn from other brothers and sisters in Christ. Be willing to learn and grow. Don’t fight technology. And please put your wife and family before ministry!

Are you listening to the cry of this emerging generation? Everywhere I go today I remind churches and denominational leaders that we are missing the boat if we aren’t investing the bulk of our time discipling a new generation. The church is graying, and many young people have checked out because our approach to ministry has become irrelevant to them.

If we would listen to their hearts, treat them like sons and daughters, invest our time in them and recognize their gifts, they will—like John Mark in the first century—make an amazing impact on history.

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God Wants You To Multiply

My wife and I have four grown daughters, and the youngest of them is 24. We are not planning to have any more babies. Our girls are the joy of our lives—and we love it when they visit our empty nest.

But even though we’re finished with the task of bringing Grady children into the world, I’m not finished reproducing. I believe every Christian is called to bear spiritual children. Jesus called us to make disciples, and this is what He was referring to when He told His followers: “My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit …” (John 15:8a).

So for the past several years, I’ve invested most of my waking hours discipling younger Christians. I offer them counsel and share the life lessons I’ve learned in ministry. We meet for coffee or meals and take trips together; we also chat using every medium available—phone, text, WhatsApp, Twitter, Facebook and Skype. I love watching young people grow spiritually.

Discipleship is not just a hobby—it’s my passion. But something dramatic happened a few months ago that proved to me how serious God is about this process of spiritual multiplication.

I was preaching at Berean Church in Pittsburgh on a Sunday morning in October. After my message, I invited people to the altar who wanted to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I also had a word of knowledge that there was a young man in the audience who had a porn addiction.

Many people responded, but I noticed a tall guy right in the middle of the group at the altar. I laid hands on his head and prayed, and then moved on to pray for the others. When I looked back I saw that this young man was on the floor. He was trembling and speaking in tongues.

When I finished praying for everyone, Pastor Mark Moder closed the service. But the young guy was still on the floor, so I sat down next to him and prayed quietly. I could tell the Holy Spirit was doing some deep work in him. He must have stayed horizontal for 20 minutes.

When he finally sat up and gained composure, I asked him a few questions. He told me he was 20 years old. He told me he came to the altar because he’d been a slave to pornography. He said it was his first visit to this church.

“What’s your name,” I asked.

“Dante Lee Grady,” he replied.

“Huh? You’re kidding,” I said.

“No, seriously! I was surprised to find out the preacher this morning has my name!” he said.

Since that day, Dante Lee Grady and I have become close. He came to my home in Georgia in January for a discipleship retreat, he traveled with me when I preached last month in Pennsylvania, and he’s joining me on another ministry assignment in May.

This guy is on fire for God now. He’s ravenously reading the study Bible I gave him, he’s plugged into Berean Church and he feels a call to fulltime ministry. And he texts me often to ask questions about his faith.

I never had a biological son. But now I have a spiritual son who actually bears my name.

When I asked God about this unusual experience, I sensed that my encounter with Dante was a prophetic sign—not just for me but also for the body of Christ. God is reminding us that we must take the command to make disciples seriously. Our priorities must shift.

We’ve all read the research about the younger generation in the United States. Statistics show that many young adults have left the church or have no interest in Christianity. Yet I’ve also seen that when I offer to be a mentor or a spiritual father to young people between the ages of 18 to 34, they are eager to latch on.

When I offer love and encouragement to these young adults, they can’t get enough. This generation isn’t interested in dry religious programs, but they crave an authentic and relational connection with a mature Christian who is willing to spend time with them.

The spiritual sons and daughters I’m investing in today love worship, they want to experience the Holy Spirit’s power, and they are eager to share their faith everywhere. Dante has almost 10,000 followers on Twitter (@whoknowsdante), and he loves to tell them about Jesus.

Watching Dante Lee Grady become a mature follower of Christ gives me great hope for the future. It reminds me that every Elijah should have a young Elisha following him and begging for a double portion of the Holy Spirit. And if you read that story in the Bible, you learn that Elisha surpassed his mentor. That is my heart’s cry—that those I invest in will do greater things than I did!

Don’t miss the greatest adventure of the Christian life. Don’t let the life of Jesus end with you—pass it on to the next generation. Be a multiplier. God wants you to reproduce His life in others.

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Discipleship Is Not a Dirty Word

I get funny looks from some charismatic Christians when I tell them I believe God is calling us back to radical discipleship. Those in the over-50 crowd—people who lived through the charismatic movement of the 1970s—are likely to have a bad taste in their mouths when it comes to the dreaded “D word.”

That’s because the so-called Discipleship Movement (also known as the Shepherding Movement) turned a vital biblical principle into a weapon and abused people with it. Churches that embraced the warped doctrines of shepherding required believers to get permission from their pastors before they bought cars, got pregnant or moved to a new city. Immature leaders became dictators, church members became their loyal minions, and the Holy Spirit’s fire was snuffed out because of a pervasive spirit of control.

I don’t ever want to live through that again. I know countless people who are still licking their wounds from the spiritual abuse they suffered while attending hyper-controlling churches in the 1970s and ‘80s. Some of them still cannot trust a pastor today; others walked away from God because leaders misused their authority—all in the name of “discipleship.”

Yet I’m still convinced that relational discipleship—a strategy Jesus and the apostle Paul modeled for us—is as vital as ever. If anything the pendulum has now swung dangerously in the opposite direction. In today’s free-wheeling, come-as-you-are, pick-what-you-want, whatever-floats-your-boat Christianity, we make no demands and enforce no standards. We’re just happy to get warm rumps in seats. As long as people file in and out of the pews and we do the Sunday drill, we think we’ve accomplished something.

But Jesus did not command us to go therefore and attract crowds. He called us to make disciples (see Matt. 28:19), and that cannot be done exclusively in once-a-week meetings, no matter how many times the preacher can get the people to shout or wave handkerchiefs. If we don’t take immature Christians through a discipleship process (which is best done in small groups or one-on-one gatherings), people will end up in a perpetual state of immaturity.

David Kinnaman, author of the excellent book unChristian, articulated the problem this way: “Most people in America, when they are exposed to the Christian faith, are not being transformed. They take one step into the door, and the journey ends. They are not being allowed, encouraged, or equipped to love or to think like Christ. Yet in many ways a focus on spiritual formation fits what a new generation is really seeking. Transformation is a process, a journey, not a one-time decision.”

Reclaiming this process of discipleship is going to require a total overhaul of how we do church. Do we really want to produce mature disciples who have the character of Jesus and are able to do His works? Or are we content with shallow believers and shallow faith?

A friend of mine had to face this question while he was pastoring in Florida. As a young father, he had a habit of putting his infant son in a car seat and driving him around his neighborhood at night in order to lull him to sleep. Once during this ritual the Holy Spirit spoke to this pastor rather bluntly. He said: “This is what you are doing in your church. You are just driving babies around.”

My friend came under conviction. He realized he had fallen into the trap of entertaining his congregation with events and programs, even though the people were not growing spiritually. He was actually content to keep them in infancy. As long as they filled their seats each Sunday, and paid their tithes, he was happy. Yet no one was growing, and they certainly were not producing fruit by reaching others for Christ.

How can we make this paradigm shift in to discipleship? How can we add “the D word” back into our vocabulary?

  • Churches must stop exclusively focusing on big events and get people involved in small groups, where personal ministry can take place.
  • We must stop treating people like numbers and get back to valuing relationships.
  • Leaders must reject the celebrity preacher model and start investing their lives in individuals.

When we stand before Christ and He evaluates our ministries, He will not be asking us how many people sat in our pews, watched our TV programs, gave in our telethons or filled out response cards. He is not going to evaluate us based on how many people fell under the power of God or how many healings we counted in each service. He will ask how many faithful disciples we made. I pray we will make this our priority.

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10 Things I Wish I’d Known When I Was 30

When you get to be my age, birthdays can be a bummer. I don’t really want to be reminded that I’m old. So I discovered a way to ease the pain: I surround myself with younger people. At my birthday party last week were several young guys I am mentoring. They are 30, 27, 24, 23, 22 and 20—most of them younger than my own kids.

One of my greatest passions in life is discipling the younger generation. I love it partly because the young men I mentor are so hungry for spiritual direction they literally pull it out of me; I also love discipleship because it is indescribably fulfilling. It really is more blessed to give than to receive.

Discipleship is not just leading a Bible study or helping a person understand a dry spiritual truth. It is imparting your life—sharing the wisdom you’ve gained from years of personal experiences. That’s what a father or mother does with their children; that’s what Paul did for the Romans. He told them: “For I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift, that you may be strengthened” (Rom. 1:11).

I often tell the guys I mentor: “I wish I had known this when I was your age.” And they recognize the blessing of getting some wise counsel they can put into practice now. I’ll share a few of those nuggets here. Feel free to pass them along to other young (or old) disciples who are eager to grow spiritually.

  1. Never let your failures or flaws stop you from chasing your God-given dreams. The biggest obstacle between you and your dream is not the devil, demons, your past sins, your family dysfunction or your lack of money or opportunity. Your biggest enemy is you and the way you see yourself. You must come to see that your heavenly Father loves you (1 John 3:1) and that He wants to know you, bless you and use you.
  2. Never, ever neglect the Bible. Jesus said His words provide a strong, secure foundation for life (Matt. 7:24-27). But you cannot experience that security if you treat God’s Word flippantly. You need to feed on it daily. The loudest voices in our culture today tell us that the Bible is irrelevant; don’t listen to them. Let God’s Word become the steel framework of your life.
  3. Relax! God wants you to enjoy the journey. When I was young I often got anxious about God’s plans and I fretted too much. I finally learned to stop striving. I quit trying to make things happen—and I surrendered to God’s timing, knowing that only He can bring about His will. This is true whether you are praying about marriage plans, your career, your ministry or any other desire. Don’t let anxious thoughts steal your joy.
  4. Saturate your life in prayer, and never make a decision without seeking God’s guidance. Life is really a journey, and God wants to steer us every step of the way. The closer you are to the shepherd, the clearer you will hear His voice telling you to turn to the left or the right.
  5. Stay filled up with the Holy Spirit. The biggest mistake we could ever make is to try to live our lives with an empty tank. Don’t ever try to follow Christ in your own strength. Let the Holy Spirit empower you. Who wants dead, lifeless, boring Christianity? Seek close fellowship with the Spirit, pray in the Spirit and pursue spiritual gifts so you can experience the supernatural realm.
  6. Life is supposed to be an adventure. Never play it safe. Every true follower of Christ will come to the place that Peter did when Jesus called him out of the boat. Peter left his comfort zone and stepped onto the water. You must do the same. My biggest mistakes in life happened when I let fear of the unknown choke my faith.
  7. Relationships are the key to success. The world tells us that life is about chasing fame, money, cars, houses, toys or sex. But I’ve learned that God wants us investing in people—and that is where you will find the greatest satisfaction. Material possessions can’t give lasting fulfillment, and pleasure only lasts for a moment. If you want the abundant life that Jesus promised (John 10:10), pour your life into others.
  8. It’s really okay to admit your weaknesses. Most of us come to Christ in a state of bondage; we struggle with all kinds of hurts and addictions. I finally learned that God never intended for me to deal with these issues alone. Just as we learned in the story of the Good Samaritan, we need someone else to bandage our wounds (Luke 10:30-37). True healing is found through the close friends God gives us. Open your heart to them.
  9. Be as generous as possible so you can become a channel of financial blessing. When I was young I never imagined I could bless others financially. Yet even with my tiny ministry salary I began to tithe and bless people—and God multiplied my resources. Don’t wait until you have lots of money to start sowing. Sow even in your season of famine and watch God release miraculous abundance.
  10. Don’t take your parents for granted. Because my father recently fell and incurred a serious brain injury, I’m relocating to Georgia to care for him and my mother. I’m grateful that I can spend these last years with them, but I’m wishing I had made the most of every moment we shared. You won’t have your parents forever. Cherish your time with them and do everything you can to honor them as you honor Christ.
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